The Best Of Me

I’ve been wanting to write about my “past life” (my past relationship, that is)…a life filled with deceit and lies…a kind of life that though humbled me to the fullest, was a period of struggle in finding the meaning of true love.

I was in a relationship for a long time…keeping myself together then was a constant battle….I chose to be on my own…living each day, hopeful that the single string holding me up wouldn’t snap. I put on a brave face…a mask that for a long time numbed me…I was faking everything. I guess, I needed to for the world around me still spun…it wouldn’t stop just because I was scarred.

Men can sometimes be really dumb, huh?!?

They can be…but sometimes, women (not all) have the tendency to bring into themselves the painful truth of accepting every lie…”what you don’t know, won’t hurt you” kind of thing. But the reality is…Women know…they hope… they survive.

I couldn’t remember when our relationship was first tested, but I was pretty sure we had enough of those. They said, that what happens the first time, may not happen again, but what happens the second time…will happen again and again…true enough! But how many times are we supposed to forgive? Isn’t that contradicting? I thought then that when you accept the wrongdoing, you forgive. Only to find out in the end, that it would lead to a much greater degree of uncertainty. Every detail remained…every wound bled and every truth hurt…

It wasn’t a good experience to bounce back from…I learned the value of self worth the hard way and it was through these experiences that I drew greater strength from prayers. I sometimes found myself driving to Tagaytay for days of deep thinking, reading and soul searching. Moments with the Lord had indeed saved me. The pain allowed me to realize the things I still have in my life…It wasn’t easy then because I was determined to pursue the impossible, which is keeping the relationship, but with His grace, I succeeded otherwise, that is letting it go and opening myself up to the wonders of my youth. I missed on a lot…I should have given up on this person sooner…one of my deepest regrets so far.

It is history for us now.

A lot of things happened after…words were spoken in desperation, harm was done, stories were told even to the wrong people…but no one truly knew what had transpired except I. I have nothing left for anyone who finds security in lying…who puts himself above material possessions and hides behind the walls of religiosity to cover up the real picture of his frantic existence.

To end this piece…I take the opportunity to thank the friends who have seen me at my worst but still love me to the core. I miss you guys. To quote one of them…”I’m glad you moved on”…I’m so glad I did too…

This is to my parents whose unending love never fails.

Waking up on this windy Sydney morning….still couldn’t forget the mornings we spent together, I know how far back it was, but this feeling still lingers.

I figured I need to do something about it…maybe it’s now time “TO GROW”. For the past few months, I would sometimes cry myself to sleep thinking how something good has to come to an end. I lost it…I couldn’t make him stay…have I convinced him enough to stay?

Falling for someone I hardly know is such a strange thing. Stranger than that is, how these feelings moved me to be the person that I have not known myself to be. I had never seen myself appreciating the simplest of things…indeed, there were colors everywhere. The sight of friends laughing, lovers kissing and hugging, mothers nurturing, children playing, all of these, bring joy to my heart than it had ever been.

Living life alone has its shares of ups and downs, everything is magnified, from being domesticated to finding true friends. Every failure just hurts big time. Despite the struggles of everyday, one man has inspired me to see things otherwise.

A man of character he is. He never gives up on what he loves. I will not forget his words telling me, “Flying is the most important thing to me right now“. Ah oh…I had to read it many times before it hit me. I have to give him credit though for letting me know from the very start that he cannot offer anything. I tried to forget, but what I feel for him brought me more good than bad, so I decided to hold on in spite of how painful it gets, having in mind that, we make the sacrifice because we believe that it’s going to be worth it.

Days pass and with so many complications along the way. I began to see the different worlds we are living in. The reality of not being able to speak the same language, the most important of them all…the language of love.

Today, I grow…stronger and better. As I close this chapter, wherever you may be I want to thank you for showing me how wonderful it is to live. A part of me goes with you.

Soon, I will find the same happiness, the one that will stay forever.